Three Boxes (Coming of Age)

I had three options:
1. I feel called into ordained ministry.
2. I do not feel called into ordained ministry.
3. I am still discerning.
Each had a little box next to the line. I was supposed to put a check mark in one and then get up and turn the card into one of the baskets placed at strategic points in the aisles. There were only three options and if I was guessing, I'd have a 33 percent chance of getting the right one. But I wasn't guessing.

Even when I had first come to TCU, had first chosen my major, had first signed up for classes, I was running from these three boxes. If you had asked me then if I wanted to be an engineer, I'm sure I would have said yes. But that yes would have been nothing more than lip service with the hope that if I had good plan for my life laid out, I could keep running forever.

I never thought that all that running would take me to Saint Louis, where I would spend the weekend in a conference about discerning your call to ministry. And I sure didn't know that when the time came to make a decision, I'd have so much trouble continuing to run. Looking across the room, I wasn't the only one struggling. The other hundreds of participants were hunched over in their chairs, card held tightly in their fist.

The first box was the one I wanted to check. I knew that was the one I wanted, I had known it for a long time. But I didn't feel ready just yet to tell the world I wanted to be a pastor.

So instead I sat in my seat, expectant and ready, like a runner at the starting line waiting for the sharp retort of a pistol. Except I'm holding the pistol and I'm afraid to fire. At any moment, I might do it. I might fire the pistol. I might check the box. Any moment now.

Everyone around me seemed to get up at once to turn in their card. They stepped over and around me, trying to avoid tripping on my gangly legs. And as they filed by, I could see their faces, some apprehensive, some excited, and some terrified out of their minds. Now was the time, I needed to check a box - any box - and join the ranks of the decided, the checkers-of-boxes. I move towards the first option, but stop to reconsider.

I can keep running if I check the third box. It's not a yes or a no. It's not even a maybe. The third option keeps up the illusion I've been trying hard to maintain, that I really don't know what I want to do with my life. That engineering is my backup plan until I hear otherwise, not mentioning that I've got my fingers in my ears and am humming loudly to keep from hearing anything else.

I check the first box. It is both terrifying and exhilarating; full realization doesn't hit me until several hours later. I took a walk to clear my mind, hoping to come to terms with what I've decided. And I find myself directly under the Saint Louis arch, the huge silver beam stretched across my vision from left to right in a decidedly magnificent fashion. And looking straight up, I felt happy. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't excited, and I wasn't even feeling particularly emotional. I felt happy.

And I sensed that looking down from above, God was happy too. We both knew I checked the right box.